Officials are investigating unconfirmed reports that a meteorite crashed in southern Peru over the weekend and caused dozens of people to become sick. The crater is some 66 feet wide and 16 feet deep. Local media have reported eyewitness accounts of a fiery ball falling from the sky and smashing into the desolate Andean plain near the Bolivian border Saturday morning. When a meteor strikes the earth, its radiation turns the recently deceased into flesh-eating zombies. As the living dead swarm, hip-hop mogul P. Diddy sauntered down the red carpet, toothpick firmly in mouth, black Gucci loafers gleaming was exposed to the amoeba, naegleria fowleri, and suffered from flu-like symptoms. The killer that lives in the hot, fresh water is a single cell amoeba that once exposed to the human brain through the nasal passages is almost always fatal. As the living dead swarm, a group of frightened survivors whip the crowd of tastemakers, fashionistas, and celebrities like Beyonce until they lay bleeding in the gutter, pleading for help. But by then, no one will hear your cries, as the poison dulls your senses and your mind sees only the mirage of paradise instead of the reality of Hell. What the fuck is a fashionista? I’ve had one on the stove since noon and it’s still the consistency of sole of workboot.

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